Jay Boyd

Jay Brady Boyd.

Man, I wish this were a birthday blog…. Jay Brady Boyd~ Sept. 5, 1973-April 23, 1991. Almost 20 years. It’s engraved in my head, and in my heart.

I met Jay in middle school. We ran in the same group of kids and we were friends. In high school, we became closer… but it wasn’t til our Junior year that I talked to him everyday, learned so much about him… that I can’t forget, and began to rely on him as someone I could lean on.

My friend Jay, was smart, quick, and wickedly funny. He was very dark, always had been, but could brighten your day with a smile, a roll of his eyes, or a facial expression. When he was in a bad mood, everyone knew, you better run. He could slide from happy, to sad, to mad in no time at all. There were so many sides to him that people weren’t always privy to. He had a heart of gold, and would literally give you the shirt off his back if he trusted you. I was going through a hard time, and he would drive back and forth with me to Baytown to go see my boyfriend for a couple of hours and then go back with me. Taking up his time, so I wouldn’t be driving alone. Those trips he always kept me in stitches or near tears, whatever the mood may have been… but he definitely struck a cord with me. I began to really know Jay, and I was letting him know me. I remember driving home from the movies one night and going under the bridge from the AMC… he saw a homeless person and a child under the bridge. He stopped the car and gave them $100 bill. He also told me there was a gun in his glove compartment and that I was to use it if he got in trouble. I was alarmed and I did ask him why he had a gun, he gave me that “don’t be stupid” look and said it was for protection. I totally believed him. There was no reason not to.

I would sit with Jay, a lot of nights, on top of my car, or in his car with the top down, radio on, talking and talking and talking. We were both going through problems. But as “depressed” as he was…I would have called it being a teenager. We were all having problems. He was so sarcastic, witty, and funny. He had so much going for him. I don’t say that lightly… he was a genius with music. He wrote music, he played music, he made drum major. He was incredibly smart- National Honor Society smart. He would have gotten into almost any college, more than likely with a scholarship. People looked up to him… I have no doubt at all that he would have been something special…b/c he already was special.

So what happened April 23, 1991???? How many times have I asked myself this question?? What could I have done? What happened? Who did this to him? What happened? Why???? What happened? Why didn’t we know? What happened?? It doesn’t matter anymore. It just is. I go back and forth being sad and being mad. I was so mad I burned all his pictures one year, and I was so sad I cried and cried and cried til I had no tears left. It took me awhile to feel anything. I went numb. But man, when they caught up… it wasn’t fun.

I think what bothers me the most now… was just thinking about him being alone. How alone he must have felt. BUT….he didn’t have to be alone. He could have called a dozen people. There were a lot of people who loved him. Everyone has problems. Everyone wants to give up sometimes… but they don’t. I have no doubt that he would be very successful now, have someone to call his own, be with his family, have lots of friends, and be in some major city like New York, Miami, San Francisco, or Los Angeles doing what he loved best… music.

Suicide is never the answer. It’s selfish, stupid, harmful to all those around you that you love, and really solves nothing. In fact, for so many of us that are left to pick up the pieces of ourselves, it makes more problems. And to be honest… if he hadn’t done what he did, in five years time all the problems that he thought were so awful… wouldn’t have been problems any more. Man, I wish I could have imparted some of that wisdom on him. But when you’re in pain… words of wisdom don’t really help… especially when you’re a teenager.

Jay~ I miss you, I love you, and I wish you were still here. There’s not many days that for some reason or other you don’t float thru my mind. I’m mad as hell at you, and I wish I could hug your neck and make cracks about where we were and where we are now. I hope you have peace. I hope you got what you were looking for. I know I’ll see you again. I know it.

Christi

The MS150

Over the weekend, Mark did the MS150. This is his sixth year to ride and so we all make the trek down there every year to support him and to take pictures and sitesee.

Well, this weekend did not go QUITE like I had planned. My camera card broke, so all I had was a small camera. THEN, the bottom dropped out and we basically swam up to Austin. (Obviously, no pictures) I got stopped by a policeman on the way up, and this time, I had set my cruise control for 65 so I wouldn't be speeding, but we must have gone thru a smaller town and the speed limit was 55. UUUUUUGGGGGHHHH! (I would have noticed this, but I was asleep at the wheel, I was so tired.) Of course, it could have been worse, I could have been arrested for evading arrest, b/c who knows how long he had been behind me. I get to Austin, and I JUST miss Mark going across the finish line. So for the first time, I didn't see Mark cross. (He was devastated! lol) I spent loads of money at the Co-op, which WAS the highlight. Took ONE picture of Kirsten and Joey, and got back in the car and turned around and went back home. On the way home, Mark took the LONG way home, went about 25 miles per hour and I slept in the front seat all the way home.

So, for a re-cap... no pictures, no finish line, got fined, slept on a bumpy seat and drove for 7 hours with two teenagers! lol

Mark had a blast though, and that's what this weekend was about! Way to go Mark! Next year I'll be there for sure!! (Cause I'm spending the night!!!)

Kirsten's Birthday Blog

Kirsten Elizabeth Downs. She made it into this world at 4:43pm on Thursday Feb.29, 1996. Unique birthday for a truly unique child. She was absolutely precious, and a totally wonderful baby. I couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect child for me. Except for ear infections, which plagued her for that first year, she was an easy baby. She'd wake up, and instead of crying, look around, play with her little duck for awhile,and then start to look around, only to notice we were already in the room. As soon as she saw us, she'd give us this huge, beautiful grin. It would melt my heart. She was a rocker, in fact she was rocked until at least the first grade.
It's how she went to sleep. Always singing her the same song, Away In A Manger, all three verses, and if you made a mistake you had to start completely over.

As a preschooler, and even up into her elementary school years, she was a very shy child. She made friends easily, but definitely didn't come up to kids until she knew them. She began coming out of her shell little by little until one day we wondered, "where is our quiet shy child???" Memories of her as a child always flood back when I really think of them. Foxy, her stuffed animal that she could never sleep without, and in fact, still does. (Shhhh, no one is supposed to know) Those sweet baby hands and feet, painting outside with her, reading books everyday while we rocked, watching The Lion King over and over and over again, watching her walk around with at least three pacifiers- one in her left hand, one in her right hand, and one in her mouth... and sometimes one in her pocket, if she had one. Sweet kisses and hugs, and I will always love to hear the word "mom" come out of her mouth. (Well, almost... I'm not so sure I like it when I hear it come out in three syllables... MMMMOOOOOOOMMMM!!) lol. Those are the teenage memories... the way it takes her an HOUR to blow dry her hair, she picks out three outfits a day and then wears something completely different, she tells me her crazy dreams til I'm laughing and saying "ok, enough!!" She rolls her eyes, she sasses me, she makes me crazy... she also inspires me, she still gives me hugs when I need them, TRIES to beat me at Donkey Kong, and makes me laugh out loud with her sense of humor.

She is my first and only child and we have grown as parents as she has grown into a beautiful teenager. I find it so hard to know that in 4 short years my baby will leave and go off to college. (Hopefully... I mean, hopefully she goes off to college, not that she hopefully leaves!lol) These next four years will be about taking the training wheels off and hoping she doesn't fall. I know she'll make it. I have never been so proud of anyone in my life. This year, she went to a new school, a big school, and I was so scared for her. She did wonderful. I think she did better than I did!!! She has suprised me in so many great ways. She has taught me this year when I thought I was teaching her. "Let things roll off your back mom" , "Forgive people... doesn't even matter if they deserve it... everyone deserves it." "When things are hard, that's when it really matters". She has amazed me. More than that, I like this child. Of course I love her, she's my daughter! But I LIKE her. She makes me laugh, she makes me roll my eyes, she makes me throw my hands up in the air and scream... UNCLE, she's smart, and she's mine.

I'll leave you with the story I used to tell her every night before she went to bed while she rocked... right before the "Away in a Manger" song. If I could go to heaven and pick any baby to be mine, I'd search and search and search until I found you. I'd wait in long lines, I'd do chores for Jesus, and I'd stand on my head til He led me straight to you! (ok, come on, she was little and she liked it!)And it's true.

I love you Kirdy Birdy. I am so proud of you. You are such a special, person. I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I thank God everyday He let me borrow you. I hope you had a happy birthday. I hope you have many, many more.

Love you Birdie.
Mom

My Big Winner!

Mark, who never wins much of anything when gambling... I know, was a Texas Lotto winner. He got a quick pick, came home from work and looked at the numbers.
First number...Got it
Second number...Got it
Third number... Wow, got it.
Fourth Number... GOT IT!
Fifth Number... OH MY GRAVY... GOT IT!
(Now I imagine he had the hand on his phone to tell TPC he would be taking a permanent vacation since the jackpot was 81 million...)
6th number... Don't got it. =(

But hey... he got 5 numbers, and we won alittle money. We are using it to take a trip to Las Vegas. We've never been and we're thinking getting away would be good. Besides, where else would you with lucky money??? The bank you say??? Now what fun would that be!!! lol

Insomnia Strikes Again...

Here I am, 3am and I can't sleep. Well, who's complainin', it's literally been two months since this has happened. Better yet, I'm off tomorrow so I can sleep til 9am. Whoooo hooo.

Now, I don't know what got me thinking about this tonight. BUT, I was thinking about my favorite place. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love all things Disney. Now, some might say that my annual trek to Disney is going too far. And to that I say... BLEH! But I will say, that there are SOME people who take the Disney experience too far.

If you find yourself at the World (Disney) with tights, a cape, and a mask... even if you ARE dressed like Disney characters... you have gone TOO far. And let me just say... these outfits are not designed to make one look attractive obviously. The moral to this picture is... Don't Do It. Sometimes, you get into the "Disney" spirit of things and act like a kid when you go there... that's ok. BUT, do NOT... dress up like the incredibles and walk the park. No good can come of it. Except... I don't think Mark and I quit laughing for about 10 minutes. In fact, we stumbled to find our camera and take a picture before we lost em!

Hope you enjoy!!! We sure did!

"Not Ready To Make Nice" and other things I agreed with the Dixie Chicks about until....

Forgive sounds good
Forget, I don't think I could
They say, Time Heals Everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm Through with doubt
Nothing left for me to figure out
I paid the price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't make myself do what it is you think I should


I gotta say... I have felt this way alot. I try to teach my daughter different, heck I even try to act different but I don't always succeed. Some of my worst faults lie in cutting people off when I feel wronged. And if I am wronged, forget about it. Now, I'll say this, I'm great at forgiving people who come and say... "I'm sorry, will you forgive me." I'm gonna tell you in almost all instances I'm great at that. I know people make mistakes, and I know I am a master at making mistakes. So, would I want someone to forgive me when I"m wrong??? Of course. And I'm wrong alot.

But here is the stinger. My hardest issue. How do you forgive someone who doesn't ask to be forgiven? How do you forgive someone who has wronged you and then never cared enough to do anything about it. Well, truthfully... my personal motto... and dear reader, I know it's not a good motto, is "Screw 'Em". I'll just never talk to them again. I'm good at it. And here is where my beautiful daughter has taught me a BEAUTIFUL lesson.

My daughter was hurt...bad. And I mean mentally here, not physically. Now, did she do some hurting right back. I'm sure she did. It took her awhile... a long while actually, but she came to me and said, "Mom, I forgive these people... I don't want to be mad anymore." She wanted to call and tell these people that she was sorry for her part in what had happened and she wanted to be friends. WOW. I said, "Well, honey... I"m not sure they would be receptive to you." (I didn't want her to be hurt again, and I wasn't sure that these particular children wouldn't just hurt her further.) She told me, "All I can do is apologize for what I did, and if they don't want to be friends with me, then they don't. But I'll know that I tried, and it won't bother me anymore." Then she told me about how Jesus said that you were to set an example and if that meant forgiving and being hurt again, then that's what it meant. Gravy, WHEN in the world did she get so smart. I said, "ok, you're going to open up a can of worms here... and I hope that it goes well."

I'm not sure how well it went. But I can tell you this. I cried last night. I cried because my daughter taught me to be a better person last night. Maybe I should forgive people that I have held a grudge with. Maybe I shouldn't close myself off in case I get hurt. Maybe getting hurt isn't the end of the world. Maybe we should forgive our enemies. And if things don't work out great, that's still ok. You can sit with the peace that you did the right thing and you hold no hatred, annoyance or judgement against other people.

My daughter inspires me. Now, I need to get working on myself!

I'm having a hard time getting over it!

Dear Reader, (Actually this is for the reader's husbands)

If your wife has ANY chocolate in the house AT ALL, that could even POSSIBLY be deemed as hers, do NOT eat it without permission. I'm just sayin'.

Just so we are totally clear. This includes chocolate you gave her, chocolate in her purse, her car, her bedside table, her closet, under her side of the bed, stashed in the laundry room, the "craft" room, on the counter in the kitchen, by the computer, or ANYWHERE else you come into contact with said chocolate. Do the right thing, ASK first... you know what the answer is going to be, but if you must, ask anyway. MAYBE she'll be willing to share. But, I can tell you that if she has been on a diet and has been looking forward to the chocolate in question, and waits almost a week to eat the chocolate, and then goes looking for it, only to find it gone.... someones not leaving the house without a severe limp.

If you can't tell, I'm having a hard time getting over it. LOL

Giving God the Glory

Today, I had a day off. It's weird, because besides cleaning, grocery shopping and going to Sam's I have nothing to do. I am able to sit around alittle today and do nothing. Precious. So, this morning I was doing my quiet time and I realized how incredibly blessed I am. I felt led to share...

A year ago, things weren't so bright. I was scared, emotionally closed off, and depressed about what came next. I DID lean on God, but not enough... If I had leaned on him enough, I would have had faith about how things were going to turn out. God has such a tremendous plan.

Today, I'm so thankful for my husband, who has totally supported me, (and I'm not always easy to support) my child, who's strength and ability to laugh at herself never ceases to astound me. My family, we are a work in progress, but we are definitely progressing and I am SOO thankful. My wonderful friends, old and new, I had lost faith in people and they have totally restored that faith. This new business God has given me, I'm loving it. And all the little things, I take for granted, house, car, food, dogs, Mark's job, etc....

Now dear reader, this reads like a braggy Christmas letter, I know. BUT, I know that tomorrow everything can be turned upside down, fall to pieces and I'll be all poopy once again. But today, I have to give God the glory and just say out loud how thankful I am for what He has given me. Sometimes, I don't do that enough... I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. But I need to just be happy because I know God's got my back... and really that's all I need. Worrying has got me nowhere, b/c God's got a plan and I'm just going to have to sit tight through the rough patches. (Something I'm not good at)

I hope everyone has a wonderful blessed day.
Christi