I am sooo way behind on this blog. I definitely meant to at LEAST write blogs on people's birthdays telling them what they mean to me. (Sometimes I have a hard time doing that in person... ok, I always have a hard time doing that in person.) I am behind on my dad's and my mom's birthday blogs so I will try to get these up soon, cause I know I'll get in trouble! lol.
Feb. 12, 1943~ the day my father was born. Growing up, my father was gone alot. He worked, he went to school and earned not only a bachelor degree but a Master's and was VERY close to getting his Doctorate. (sp?) Even when he was home, my father and I were strangers. To say I grew up angry, bitter, disillusioned, and extremely hurt by the way things went down with my father is an understatement. We looked alike. Catch a glimpse of me growing up, and you'll see the dark hair, dark skin, dark eyes, serious expression, our hands, our feet, our noses, etc... it's all the same. Not only physical, but in our mannerisms... if you watch either of us sit in a chair and rock you will see it's identical. (one leg tucked under with a book in our hand and a drink on the table) the fact that I have to have things a certain way to sleep or it's NEVER going to happen and in fact, doesn't alot of the time. The way I hold a drink in my hand, the way I run my hand over my face and through my hair when I'm so frustrated that I'm about to walk away or absolutely lose my cool. The way we're sick to our stomach if we are in the least bit upset about something, and that is quite often. Blood pressure spiking over little things, cheeks red, ears red, nose red...don't tell me you can't tell when your blood pressures up! lol. Emotionally- we can cut you off and never speak to you again like it's nothing. (Something I continually work on not doing) I'm intensely loyal, opinionated, smart, misunderstood, quick to fire back when fired upon, and a total work in progress. Just like my dad. How can someone I'm so much like, care so little for me? Be so disappointed in me? Not love me? Not like me? And not want to be a part of my life? They were questions that went through my mind a million times.
Being grown up sheds alot of light on things. Alot. I still don't have all the answers to all those questions. I know some of them are not even relevant anymore. I don't even really care. I'm just happy that our relationship is nothing like that anymore.
In the last few years the relationship that I have with my father has changed tenfold. He's no longer just my father, he's my dad. I talk to him three or four times a week. The judgements we used to pass on each other, are gone. There is no anger, no hurt, no disappointment, no bitterness. It's amazing. It's wonderful. I never thought we'd ever be where we are... and I can't tell you how happy it makes me. I have my dad. The past is behind us. I've let it go, and so has he. We don't talk about it, we don't make hurtful remarks about it, we don't bring it up, or hold it for use later on. The hurts that were done to me, intentionally or otherwise are totally forgiven. Over. My dad is happy, happier than I've ever known him to be in all my 36 years. And that makes me happy. I'm beginning to know the man that I'm so much like in so many ways... b/c before he was a stranger, and I was so afraid I'd never get to really know him.
Dad, I want to tell you how happy I am for you. I hope that things continue to go well for you and that you get all that you've ever wanted. I'm proud of you, Not for all the accomplishments that you've made through work and school, (although I'm proud of you for that too) but for being open and willing to put yourself out there with me. I know you had to get over your disappointments in me, and things that I had done as well. For that I'm grateful. I want to wish you a Happy Belated Birthday. You can always count on me.
Love you,
Nerd Girl
